someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
