My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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