Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
