I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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