Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
