Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
