For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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