White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
