Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
