I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
