we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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