I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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