I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
