so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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