I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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