I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this just has baby written all over it
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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