I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
