Just fell off a train. Bad.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
