I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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