I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
