hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
