i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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