I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
