8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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