I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
