Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize