I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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