Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
