I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
