I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize