My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
