11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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