watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
