The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
