Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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