By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
