Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
