I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
