I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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