Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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