I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize