it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
