he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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