One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
dude. I can hear the air.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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