True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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