You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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