she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
