goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
no you cant smoke seaweed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Come on in and take your pants off
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