well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
