omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
