I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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