I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Please, let me fuck your mom
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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