Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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