Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We are all done wearing pants today
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
