That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
