20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
