My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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