My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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