Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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