Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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