ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
