just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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