he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
its not stalking. its research.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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