I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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