so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
