He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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